Silence or Broken Communication
One of the most significant reactions to Celeste Ng’s book- Everything I never told you, is about the relationships among Lee’s family members, which are characterized by tension caused by silence or broken communication. The characters opted to remain silent when they should talk about their concerns or differences, and when they did, they were not honest with each other. Parents and children often created secrets to conceal the truth. For instance, James and Marilyn did not talk about their racial differences, expectations, and reasons why they get married (Ng, 2014). While Marylyn married James because he was different, the latter wanted to fit in and be identified as an American. Hannah hid the truth about seeing Lydia leaving their house the night she disappeared. Equally, Nath decided not to tell his parents that Lydia had no friends and was struggling in school.
Self-Work and Impacts On Work with Clients
The self-work I would need is to learn how to openly communicate with parents and be honest when talking about what is happening around me. Developing effective communication is vital since it would help know to understand other people’s thoughts and feelings and facilitate resolving any issue. Lack of communication would make it challenging to know and understand clients’ needs or the cause of their problems. Communication is the fundamental means of effective interaction with clients.
Unmet Expectations
Another reaction to the book is about unmet expectations, and they influence an individual’s interaction with others. All the characters, parents and children, in Everything I never told you had expectations that they wanted to accomplish, but they failed due to various factors, causing frustrations. James expected his schoolmate, colleagues, and students to treat him as an American because he was born and raised in the country. However, he faced stereotypes about his racial affiliation even from his mother-in-law. Marilyn’s mother wished for the failure of her daughter’s marriage because she expected her to establish a family with a Native American (Ng, 2014). The issue made James feel that he was not a man enough for Marilyn, pushing him into extramarital affairs with an Asian lady, who he believed had no expectations. Marilyn fought gender expectations both at work and family levels. The children struggled to meet their parent’s expectations, both at school and in society. For instance, Lydia failed at school and driving tests even if she tried as much as possible to please her parents.
Self-Work and Impacts On Work with Clients
I would learn how to accept things that cannot be changed, such as physical appearance, and appreciate my capability and interests without minding other people’s perceptions and expectations. This way, the pressure of doing what others want me to do will be alleviated and help me pursue my dreams. If the clients expect too much from me, they may not be contented with my services. The unmet expectations can lead to a negative attitude towards me and provided services.
Fear and Isolation
I also found that Ng’s idea of fear and isolation instrumental for understanding the problems experienced by Lee’s family. Fear is the motivating factor for the characters’ inability to communicate their ambitions and social life perceptions. For example, James wished that he could be honest with his son, Nath, and that he understood what it meant to be different and bullied by others (Ng, 2014). However, he feared that he would look weak in front of his children. Similarly, Lydia desired to let her mother know that she never dreamt of being a doctor. She feared hurting her mother and the latter abandoning the family. Although Hannah saw Lydia slipping out of the house the night she disappeared to the lake and drowned, she failed to admit it since she thought others would accuse her of letting Lydia walk away.
The parents and children are isolated in the community and within the family. James and his children experienced cultural isolation because of their appearances. Nath was affected more by loneliness than others since his fellow students bullied him openly at the swimming pool. They taunted him while praying when they said that Chink could not find China (Ng, 2014). This issue deprived him of courage and the opportunity to establish and maintain friendships at school. Family experiences also isolated him as his parents focused all their attention on Lydia. As a result, he felt that neither of them cared about his success. While Hannah seemed to notice most incidences occurring in her family, she lived as a forgotten child due to the attention given to Lydia. The family’s isolation from the community was evident during Lydia’s funeral since they barely recognized any of the attendees. The fear and loneliness made the family unable to address the issues and differences.
Self-Work and Impacts On Work with Clients
I would train myself to overcome fear by being honest with my feelings and conscious of my intentions and focusing only on the positive outcomes of my actions. This can help me communicate my thoughts, ambitions, and truth. The fear can not only hamper effective communication with the clients but also influence me to say things that I believe will please them. Equally, fear can prevent the client from talking about issues affecting them.
I would also alleviate the effects of isolation by accepting and appreciating the differences between me and others rather than trying to fit in. Equally, I let my parents know how much I need their attention and affection like other children. Social isolation can make me selective in my work, only offering services to clients whom I feel will not have a negative or discriminative attitude towards me.
Several Ways in Which Marilyn and James’ Families of Origin Impacted Their Couple and Parenting Relationships
Marilyn and James’ families of origin played a significant role in the tension in their relationships. Although James’ parents were dead by the time he met his wife, he never talked about them to her and his children. He learned this behavior from his parents and forced it into his children and wife’s relationships. His parents had to maintain silence, cut ties with Chinese familial history, and adopt new names to secure immigration and get a job in America. While fear of deportation and the language barrier contributed to his parent’s silence, James’ American dream furthered the latter’s problem when he opted to stop speaking Chinese to preserve his American accent.
Marilyn came from a Native American family, and her desire to be different made her fall in love with James. Marilyn’s mother wanted her to be a teacher and homemaker and marry an American man. However, she desired to be a doctor and marry James. Her mother wished for their marriage to be unsuccessful, negatively impacting their relationship because James felt that he is not man enough for Marilyn. He sensed that Marilyn was too good for him, became insecure, and engaged in extramarital affairs with an Asian lady. James and Marilyn’s unmet expectations make them dictate what their children should be, generating tension in their relationships.
Areas to Explore When Lee Family Comes For Therapy
The areas that I would focus on if the family comes for therapy include communication, their understanding of how race impacts each partner’s life experience, and their expectations. Additionally, I would explore racial identity issues among the children and approaches to overcoming fear and stereotype. Lack of communication is a significant issue experienced by the Lee family, between the couples as well as parents and children. The primary objective of the therapy would be to enhance the better relationship among the members and help them cope with various challenges. Racial differences, expectations, and dissimilar life goals are also a factor that contributed to the family’s conflicts. The initial stages of the therapy would be about guiding the family members to relate their perspectives on challenges they are facing, history of their concerns, and outline individual’s goals and those of their relationships. Following are the questions I would ask the family members:
- What do you believe causes silence and misunderstanding between you and your spouse or children?
- What are your expectations and that of your spouse or children?
- How do you understand the differences between you and your spouse?
- How do you address problems between you and your spouse or children?
- How honest are you when speaking to your spouse or children?
- How do racial differences impact your familial and social relationships?
- How much do you think your life experiences influence your relationships?
Reference
Ng, C. (2014). Everything I never told you. Penguin Group.