Chapter 33
In Chapter 33, “A Foreigner in a Foreign School,” Pamuk talks mostly about his school days and his feeling of not belonging and otherness from people surrounding him, including his classmates, family, and friends. The author recounts his experience at Robert Academy, although he speaks mostly about the days when he skipped school rather than those when he studied. It is apparent that he never wanted to go to school, always trying to find a reason to stay at home or to run away and wander through the city.
By describing his experiences while not attending classes, Pamuk shows the kind of life he led – one not defined by education but instead filled with small adventures. Pamuk also speaks of guilt and melancholy he felt because of skipping school, recounting that “having committed [his] crimes, [he] would often resolve to return to the straight and narrow” (307). During his school years, the author felt stuck in a loop of wanting to become a better version of himself and constantly slipping into his old habits.
Another important theme that connects Pamuk’s recollections of his school days is the feeling of otherness. The author consistently talks about not belonging to any environment or company, stating that his words would often feel fake. Pamuk describes himself as a “loathsome toad” whose failure to improve himself led him to believe he would lead a miserable and boring life (309). It is clear that the author did not feel entirely himself at any time and always wanted to be a different person for each situation, struggling to find and distinguish himself.
Chapter 34
In Chapter 34, “To Be Unhappy Is to Hate Oneself and One’s City,” Pamuk continues the themes of melancholy and misery but moves away from the subject of school to Istanbul. Here, the author talks about the move towards Europeanization that Istanbul was going through during his teenage years. He describes the new signs in English, the change from nature-filled streets to ones packed with buildings. Pamuk also reminisces on his younger years when his dream was to live in an American city and lead a movie-like life.
He writes about how he hates Istanbul and its people for how loud, chaotic, and ugly everything is. However, he also admits that the lack of self-acceptance could influence these emotions. Pamuk says, “I’ve never wholly belonged to this city, and maybe that’s been the problem all along” (320). Here, the author shows that his view of the city is skewed because he also feels the same about himself – that he often sees himself as sinful, dirty, and worthless (Pamuk 320-321). As a whole, it can be suggested that Pamuk’s feelings of deep loathing and doubt transfer onto other ideas, including his description of Istanbul.
The theme of this chapter is similar to the previous one – a feeling of alienation from others. Pamuk returns to the idea of being stuck in a circle of pushing himself through social interactions and feeling guilty and disgusted at his façade. In this case, he partly blames the city, believing that some secret bond connects everyone in it but him (Pamuk 321-322). On the one hand, the author yearns for the city to become more European to escape this feeling, thinking this change would make Istanbul closer to his dream. On the other hand, Pamuk wants to appreciate Istanbul for itself – the city he “had grown to love, by instinct, by habit, and by memory” (323). The same two ideas can be applied to the author’s struggle between self-doubt and acceptance.
Work Cited
Pamuk, Orhan. Istanbul. Faber & Faber, 2011.