An essential basis of family relations is trust in a partner, and infidelity usually destroys it and makes the partner doubt the strength of the marriage. In her TED speech, Esther Perel discusses the causes of pushing people, even in happy pairs, to the adulterer (TED, 2015). Her speech includes a review of the development of views on infidelity and a rethinking of its causes. According to Perel, although the affair is considered a betrayal of a partner, through it, people want to reveal some sides of themselves, and the consequences can include the favorable development of family relations.
Perel’s speech is exciting for thinking about family relationships and affairs. I agree on many issues – that such a situation threatens identity and that values like personal happiness, and concepts like monogamy, have changed a lot. Moreover, longing, loss, and the search for a sense of vitality are compelling reasons pushing people to cheat. However, I was surprised that the speaker did not say that this was only one perspective. Missing such factors as poor self-control, anger, and the desire to attract attention does not allow me to agree with Perel fully.
Working on relationships and healing a family after infidelity is possible, and therapists can help. When working with a couple that copes with adultery, several influential factors can be distinguished. First of all, the practitioner should maintain a neutral position, not interfere in the couple’s decision-making about divorce or preservation of the family, and conduct an open discussion with the couple without secrets between them. A critical action noted by Perel is to suspend the thoughts of betrayed partners about what they could make wrong or comparisons with the participant in the affair and similar ideas. Finally, the therapist must help partners share feelings and discuss the situation within the family, limiting the influence of the opinions of friends and family.
The topic of infidelity and the family’s healing after such a trauma reminded me of consonance. This concept implies the degree to which people can hear and understand their interlocutors (Kirst-Ashman & Hull Jr, 2018). Open communication and understanding, that is, achieving a high level of consonance, can prevent infidelity or accelerate the path to healing. The low level of consonance, in turn, can lead to causes of cheating – loneliness and longing. Thus, the development of family relations and understanding after a betrayal is possible.
References
Kirst-Ashman, K. K., & Hull Jr, G. H. (2018). Understanding generalist practice (8th ed.). Cengage Learning.
TED. (2015). Rethinking infidelity… a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel [Video]. Web.