Summary of every chapter
Understanding the Importance of Boundaries
Chapter 1: What the heck are boundaries?
The first chapter starts with the words “Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships.” (Tawwab, 2021, p. 15). The chapter talks about the story of Kim, who cannot resist helping her friends, colleagues, and everyone. Consequently, she started feeling overwhelmed and came for help from the book’s author and therapist – Nedra Glover Tawwab. The author later defines boundaries: “Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.” (Tawwab, 2021, p. 16). The author writes about the signs that will help understand if you need healthier boundaries, which is important because mental health issues and self-care are usually neglected. Tawwab writes about the levels of boundaries and what are the results of passing through those levels. For instance, she talks about porous, rigid, and healthy boundaries. The author gives clear examples of how to verbally and actively express your boundaries and also writes about how people might react to boundaries showcased. Tawwab later writes areas where we usually need boundaries, which also appear as separate chapters in the book’s second part: family, work, romance, friendships, and technology. Every chapter, starting from the first, has exercises at the end to practice setting boundaries. This helps readers gain value from the very first pages of the book.
Chapter 2 – The cost of not having healthy boundaries
The next chapter talks about Erica’s story of healthy boundaries. Erica is a hard worker with a busy schedule that resulted into some issues she came to resolve with a therapist. The author offers an example boundary for many life situations like “not knowing how to say no, and superhero syndrome, et cetera” (Tawwab, 2021, p. 35). Since the chapter is called “The cost of not having healthy boundaries,” the author explains what types of mental disorders follow not setting boundaries, to be precise: burnout, anxiety, depression, DPD, and BPD. The author also writes about why sometimes we avoid setting boundaries and why we do activities such as gossip, move away, et cetera to avoid setting boundaries. This helps the reader analyze their actions and realize whether the reader has boundaries or not. This chapter ends with a practical exercise called “What’s on your plate?”.
Chapter 3 – why don’t we have healthy boundaries?
Chapter 3 starts with the story of Justin – a man who had to be heavily involved in raising his brothers because of his emotionally and physically distant mother after his parents’ divorce. In this chapter, the author answers the question “What’s keeping us from having healthy boundaries?” and lists the reasons we tolerate boundary issues. Tawwab later explains that setting boundaries or their absence starts from the family, in childhood. She writes that it is essential to respect children’s boundaries and what kind of actions lead to the lack of children’s healthy boundaries. For instance, she lists acts like abuse, neglect, et cetera. To help readers realize that some things are natural to feel because the feeling cannot be wrong, the writer lists uncomfortable emotions that may arise from setting boundaries. The exercise includes a list of questions the reader must honestly answer on a separate sheet of paper.
Chapter 4 – The six types of boundaries
This chapter discusses the story of Alex – a girl who does not know how to keep secrets and only knows a relationship model where you share everything. In addition, the chapter talks about six types of boundaries in detail. Those types are physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, intellectual boundaries, emotional boundaries, material boundaries, and time boundaries.
Chapter 5 – What boundary violations look like
This chapter reveals Jamie’s story about her relationship with her boyfriend. Tawwab explains two main boundary violation categories: little “b” – micro-offenses; and big “B” – macro violations. The author also talks about what micro and macro aggressions lead to and tips on handling those. Jamie’s story helps in understanding every aspect of boundary violations throughout the text.
Chapter 6 – Identify and communicate your boundaries
Chapter six-story tells about Eric- a son of a parent who has alcohol-abuse and was passive-aggressive to him when Eric tried to show his concern. Tawwab later writes four ways to successfully communicate a boundary – passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and manipulation. After telling how not to communicate and set boundaries, the author gives three steps to set boundaries correctly. She also states that there might be difficult people with whom it would be harder to set boundaries, but she also advises on how to accomplish that. The exercise at the end of the chapter helps the reader exercise their boundaries by writing them down.
Chapter 7 – Blurred lines: make it plain
This chapter uncovers the story of Chloe – a sister who wanted to stop caring about her brother Ray. She had troubles with her family, but she kept close relationships with them, which shows how her boundaries were broken. She did not have clear boundaries, which the author later explained as Blurred boundaries. The author clarifies how readers can identify that they have blurred boundaries and gives recommendations on how to act to make sure your boundaries are being heard. By the end of the chapter, the example of Sasha and Toni represents what consequences arise when we do not clearly state our boundaries.
Chapter 8 – Trauma and boundaries
This chapter talks about Amber – a thirty-two-year-old successful woman whose resurfacing childhood traumas were making her life alone and depressing. The author explains how childhood traumas can be measured using the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) survey, where Amber got 8 out of 10. From Amber’s story, the reader can understand how traumas impact our ability to communicate boundaries. Tawwab gives instructions to understand those issues in others and advice on how to work through them. The exercise at the end of the chapter also enables the practice of “letting go and moving forward.”
Chapter 9: What are you doing to honor your boundaries?
This chapter tells a story of a young, intelligent, but insolvent man – Kyle. Kyle had a problem controlling his finances; he could not stop spending money on expensive things and growing his credit card debt. His story is an example of the absent boundaries of a person with himself. People, time management, finances, and other spheres of life suffer when people do not set boundaries with themselves and their old negative habits. As the author explains, healthy boundaries should also be consistently established for person with himself, and those boundaries shall be upheld. The exercise of this chapter allows readers to start this extensive work of setting inner boundaries.
This Is how You Do the Work of Setting Boundaries
Chapter 10 – Family
The story of James and Tiffany’s marriage, where the couple had constantly been interrupted by James’s mother – Debra, shows the relationships that appear when there are no boundaries with family. The author states that “You Become an Adult When You Set Boundaries with Your Parents” and argues that it is important because to be an adult is to be your guide (Tawwab, 2021, p. 144). Tawwab gives examples of family boundaries and how they should sound and look. In addition, she writes some recommendations about relatives like in-laws, co-parents, and others; also about the family events like celebration of public holidays. One of the essential parts of this chapter is where the author explains how to teach setting boundaries to children.
Chapter 11 – Romantic relationships
Chapter eleven is about Malcolm and Nicole’s love story of dating, moving in, and arguing over household and marriage. The author writes that getting back to basic rules of healthy boundaries is vital. Speaking honestly about expectations, agreements, and others is the foundation because, as the author says, “Poor Communication Is the Leading Cause of Divorce and Breakups.” The author further writes steps on how couples should behave and communicate. Moreover, the exercise at the end of the chapter is done for those in romantic relationships and single people.
Chapter 12 – Friendships
In this chapter, the reader is introduced to the story of Kevin and Dave – friends, where one of the friends cannot set boundaries and suffer its consequences. The author talks about the importance of setting boundaries in friendships because their absence might lead to ruining the friendship or worse. The author lists signs that might help determine whether friendship is healthy or not, as well as reasons behind boundary issues in friendship. One of the crucial takeaways in this chapter is to remember that in a company, “you are not a therapist – you are a friend.” The exercise helps determine where to set boundaries with existing friends and define the reader’s healthy friendship vision.
Chapter 13 – Work
Janine is a woman who loves her job but does not admire her colleague – Sammie, with whom Janine struggles to set boundaries. The author lists what boundary issues at work look like and what a toxic environment at the workplace might include. These lists might identify if the reader has a toxic environment at work, and the advice in the chapter help eliminate that environment by setting boundaries. Another essential part is learning to teach boundaries to bosses at work and keeping a work-life balance. Following these rules and doing exercise at the end of the chapter can help set healthy boundaries at work and make the job easier.
Chapter 14 – Social media and technology
The key idea in this chapter is that healthy boundaries between personal and social media heavily depend on a person’s self-discipline. The sample story is based on Lacey and Tiffany’s relationships were disturbed by the first phone attachment. Their relationships show that a solid attachment to gadgets might harm a person’s ability to connect with others in reality. There is a list according to which readers can check whether they need boundaries with digital usage. The author further explains the consequences of too many digital gadgets and how to set boundaries with technology. One of the critical parts in this chapter that might be helpful to parents is the part about children using phones and its possible outcomes.
Chapter 15 – Now what?
The last chapter is about the author’s personal story of setting boundaries and her path towards wellness. She again reminds the reader of the essential boundaries and healthy relationships. She also adds some final tips to consider and the benefits of having healthy boundaries. She finalizes the book by thanking the reader and promising that journey to have healthy boundaries is worth the price.
Review
Author
Nedra Glover Tawwab – is a coach and licensed therapist with experience of over 15 years of. She runs a popular Instagram account with over 1.5 million followers, where she shares relationships and self-care advice. She appeared in many media sources like New York Times, The Guardian, and CBS Morning. Tawwab has a positive public image in general, according to articles and publications written about her or her books. Nonetheless, analyzing whether Tawwab published the books after gaining her popularity on social media would be interesting. As she mentioned in her book’s acknowledgments, she most probably wrote the book after gaining a significant audience on social media. Therefore, it is questionable whether the book was written in a short period – meaning putting less effort and producing less quality, or in a long period – meaning placing a lot of effort and creating high quality.
Thesis
To understand how much effort author put into writing the book it is essential to look at the thesis and evidence. The main argument of the book or its thesis can be seen in its title, which states, “Set Boundaries: Find Peace.” The whole book orbits around the importance of setting boundaries to have healthy relationships. The author gives a strong thesis which she later elaborates on in the book. Nonetheless, thesis is discussed from the perspectives of different topics.
Topic
The topics book raises are related to setting boundaries. The author introduces the issues of friendship, family relationships, romantic relationships and marriage, digitals, et cetera. However, healthy boundaries remain the central theme in the book. Every topic is adequately discussed, having a chapter per each. Since the arguments are based on proving the central thesis, every issue shows how to set boundaries in different spheres of life. The next part will elaborate on those evidence.
Evidence
Evidence is the part that is the most concerning to the reader. Tawwab provides stories from her therapist’s experience to signify the problem and its importance. Furthermore, the author narratively gives information without supporting ideas with scientific evidence. Nonetheless, it can be argued that the author is an experienced therapist with the necessary expertise to write supportive statements only using her knowledge and therapy cases. Another aspect of the book that is done with a lot of effort is the structure of the book.
Structure
The structure of the book is coherent for the reader. The book is separated into two parts: the first one is called “Understanding the importance of boundaries,” and the second one is “This is how you do the work of setting boundaries.” The second part logically follows the first one – once the reader understands what boundaries are and why they are essential, the author introduces practical instruments on how to use every piece of advice in practice. Nevertheless, some information from the first part is repeated in the second part, which might mean that author was trying to fill up the pages in the book or some parts of the information are poorly organized.
Takeaways
To conclude, I will talk about the insights and knowledge gained during reading “Set boundaries, find peace”. The book’s main takeaway is practical knowledge about how to set boundaries—doing exercises after each chapter and completing the “Set Boundaries Workbook” guarantees that the reader will be able to find peace through healthy relationships where healthy boundaries are set. Moreover, the person who might have already possessed most of the information from the book might see the practical part as the most valuable. In addition, the person for whom the information about consequences of unhealthy boundaries like mental diseases or the definition of healthy boundaries is new might find the book even more exciting and priceless.
References
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. Penguin Random House LLC.
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). The set boundaries workbook: Practical exercises for understanding your needs and setting healthy limits. Penguin Random House LLC.