Original Paragraph(s) and Description
The use of personification in the poem is worth mentioning as it plays an important role in communicating the author’s ideas. The purpose of this literary device is to enhance the meaning of work and add vividness. In his poem, Olzmann gives human characteristics to a bullet that “doesn’t care about ‘aim” and “doesn’t distinguish between the innocent and the innocent” (Olzmann, lines 27-30). A gun is also presented in the work as if it were a living thing (Olzmann, lines 51-54). The author absolves the responsibility for murder from the bullet and the gun, explaining that it is not their fault as they do not have minds to make decisions. It is stressed that the culprits of murders are always people because they choose whether to kill a person or not, and a gun is only a tool for doing it.
The source of this segment is Essay 2, in which I analyzed the poem “Letter Beginning with Two Lines by Czeslaw Milosz” by Matthew Olzmann. The main idea of the selected paragraph is that Olzmann successfully used personification to convey the idea that not weapons, but people who use them are responsible for wars and the deaths of the innocent. I think that this paragraph needs improvement because some sentences combine two ideas, while Zinsser advises having “one thought per sentence” (8). Apart from that, this paragraph contains long Latin words (communicating), nouns instead of active verbs, the passive voice, and a lack of clarity and humanity in some sentences.
Revised Paragraph
The author successfully uses personification in the poem to convey the idea of personal responsibility. This literary device makes the work more meaningful and creates vivid images in readers’ minds. In his poem, Olzmann gives human characteristics to a bullet that “doesn’t care about ‘aim’” and “doesn’t distinguish between the innocent and the innocent” (Olzmann, lines 27-30). A gun also plays its role in the work as if it were a living thing (Olzmann, lines 51-54). However, the author absolves the bullet and the gun from the responsibility for the murder. He explains that it is not their fault as they do not have the minds to make decisions. Olzmann stresses that the culprits of murders are always people because they choose whether to kill a person or not, and a gun is only a tool for doing it.
Reflection on the Revision Process
The revision process made me read through my work carefully, paying attention to the clarity, brevity, humanity, and simplicity of my writing, as well as my choice of words and sentence structure. Zinsser argues that simple Anglo-Saxon nouns are good, but the best tool for writing in English is “plain Anglo-Saxon verbs” used in the active voice (4). I think that this advice applies most to my writing. I have noticed that I often use nouns and the passive voice when active verbs would be better. As for the quality of the revised paragraph, I believe that it improved and became more clear and humane. For example, the second sentence in the original paragraph was vague and lacked active verbs. When I added active verbs and some details to this sentence, according to Zinsser’s advice, it gained more meaning and clarity. I also divided the fifth sentence in the original paragraph into two sentences to follow the principle “one thought per sentence.” It improved the clarity and simplicity of the writing piece. I left some sentences unchanged because, in my opinion, they did not contradict Zinsser’s principles of good writing.
Work Cited
Zinsser, William. Writing English as a Second Language. The American Scholar, 2009.