Relationships between partners are considered by psychologists as a laborious process that requires each of its participants to be able to work on themselves and their relationships. This approach is rational, given that almost every person associates relationships not only with serious obligations to each other but also with romance and love. However, the way John Gottman, a psychologist and a specialist in family relations, talks about it, makes people understand that any relationship is hard work (Lisitsa, 2013). The family is a living, developing, and constantly changing flexible system, responsive to adaptive changes to external and internal influences. This paper highlights and contrasts the major marital success factors with four issues that can destroy any relationship.
Family ties are based on a complex of biological, social, and economic factors. A harmonious marriage includes the social maturity of the spouses, preparedness for active participation in the life of society, the desire to financially provide for their family, responsibility, self-control, flexibility (Benokraitis, 2015). Marriages of those people are successful who value reliability, loyalty, love of family, and strong character in a partner. In an ideal marriage, spouses have personality traits such as self-control, hard work, caring, and flexible behavior. Marital success factors include compatibility, flexibility, positive attitudes, communication, conflict resolution, and emotional support (Benokraitis, 2015). Much depends on the desire and culture of interpersonal relations between spouses, their ability to revise their erroneous views, and the desire to maintain psychological well-being.
My parents are an example of how flexibility and emotional support can work in a real marriage. They accept each other for who they are, which in turn leads to more successful and happier relationships. They always have open communication, which is vital to the resilience of families. Clarity and consistency in communication can facilitate effective family functioning. Their relations are characterized by productive problem solving, active communication, effective regulation of behavior, clear and flexible distribution of responsibility (Nelson-Coffey, 2018). If a couple wants its relationship to withstand difficulties and get stronger, it should realize the responsibility of both partners for the problems that arose. The opinions and actions of each partner are important for the development of a couple.
However, there is an opposite side of the coin that can destroy a relationship. According to John Gottman, there are several ways that psychologists use to predict the possibility of divorce or breakup between partners who turn to them (Lisitsa, 2013). This forecasting method is based on ignoring the four basic styles of behavior in conflict situations. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are four horsemen of the apocalypse for modern couples. Criticism not only destroys relationships but provides a psychological attack based on human personality and character. Contempt, according to Gottman, can be unconscious and manifests itself in rolling eyes, ridicule, hostile humor and, of course, verbal abuse (Lisitsa, 2013). Defense means that partners are unable to see their mistakes and instead of fixing them, they begin to justify their actions. Stonewalling manifests itself in the partner’s unwillingness to discuss anything related to the relationship or even be physically present.
For the relationship as a whole, these four factors are detrimental, as they alienate partners from problem solving and reconciliation. I have seen all four horsemen destroy a real marriage. Both partners were inattentive to each other’s development processes, changes in the partner’s needs and interests. This put the family on the brink of total collapse. Contempt was the most detrimental to their relationship since it was based on disgust for a partner. A solution to the problem seemed impossible when one of the partners showed disgust, albeit unconsciously. Criticism was painful and affected the further comfort of partners in the relationship. Often in the process of defense, one partner shifted responsibility and blame to the other, thereby harming the relationship and acceptance of each other (Lappegård et al., 2018). Both of them were reluctant to make an effort to respond or at least pay attention to what the partner was saying.
People who are starting a family strive to satisfy a complex of needs—for love, children, experiencing common joys, understanding, and communication. However, the formation of a family is not only the realization of the ideal ideas about marriage that have developed among future spouses. This is the real life of two people, in all its complexity and diversity. It includes continuous negotiations, agreements, compromises, overcoming difficulties, and resolving conflicts that exist in every family. Instead of building walls, complaining, or criticizing a partner at the time of a showdown, it is best to try to be flexible, positive, and emotionally supportive. In this case, partners will be able to realize their influence on what is happening, and subsequently, they will focus on an unpleasant situation, and not on the shortcomings of the beloved.
References
Benokraitis, N. V. (2015). Marriages and families: Changes, choices, and constraints (8th ed.). Pearson.
Lisitsa, E. (2013). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute.
Nelson-Coffey, S. K. (2018). Married… with children: The science of well-being in marriage and family life. Handbook of Well-being.
Lappegård, T., Klüsener, S., & Vignoli, D. (2018). Why are marriage and family formation increasingly disconnected across Europe? A multilevel perspective on existing theories. Population, Space and Place, 24(2), 1-49.