Introduction
A traditional marriage is the union of two people whose romantic relationship has become more profound and formalized. The relationship between people does not necessarily have to end in marriage, and many couples feel great about being single all their lives. Nevertheless, statistics show that about two-thirds of women have been married at any point in the past half-century, indicating a high prevalence of the marriage phenomenon (Ortiz-Ospina & Roser, 2020). A happy marriage can bring excellent development for romantic relationships, make them more serious and meaningful, and provide a start for starting a new family. However, Ortiz-Ospina and Roser (2020) also report that not all marriages succeed, and as many as 37% may end in divorce. This is quite a large percentage, and as the number of years lived together increases, the number of divorces tends to increase, according to the same authors. The high divorce rate is the primary motivating factor that made me choose Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last by Gottman (1995) as literature of interest. John Mordechai Gottman is an American psychologist specializing in family practice, a developer of unique family counseling software, and one of today’s most influential therapists, so his credibility as an author of useful material does not seem questionable (Cole, 2019). One day in my life, I plan to get married, so I wanted to know the key recommendations, perspectives, and tips on how to avoid conflicts that end in divorce. I had heard about this book before and received many positive reviews, so I read it in hopes that I could learn how to build a secure and successful marriage.
The Need for Continuous Improvement
One of the key ideas I took away from reading this book is that in any marriage, the individual must strive for continuous improvement. Gottman (1995) ironically quoted the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which states that “in closed energy systems, things tend to run down and get less orderly, the same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages” (p. 61). I found this an interesting comparison for several reasons. First, this parallel shows that in the absence of any change, marriage will eventually lose its former energy, increasing entropy, which will cause the measure of chaos in it to increase. Such chaos risks ending in conflict, quarrels, and divorce, which is not an ideal end to a once happily ever after marriage. Second, Gottman compares marriage to a closed system, as that term is used in thermodynamics. I am not inclined to agree with this entirely because in classical closed systems, there is no exchange of matter and energy with the environment, and in marriage, there is no such thing. People in marriage socialize with friends and relatives, get emotional discharge from different sides, and bring new elements to their marriage. Nevertheless, Gottman’s point seems clear: In the absence of positive changes in marriage, such a union of individuals tends to end tragically. Third, I was skeptical of this phrase of the author, not only because of the incomprehensible parallel with the closed system but also as if the position were that the reader (such as myself) is inherently wrong, so it is necessary to improve in order to keep the marriage alive. However, I began to look deeper into this comparison and realized that it discusses a two-way change in the name of a happy marriage. Indeed, perfect marriages, in which people understand each other completely from the beginning, have empathy and unlimited love exist, but they are a minority. As a rule, people conflict in marriages, so working on yourself and contributing positively to your marriage is vital. This is the first lesson I learned from the book, and I will use it in later life when building a serious relationship with the man I potentially want to marry.
The Negative Past
The second knowledge I took away from this book is the need to be honest with myself and my partner throughout all phases of the relationship. In discussing some predictors of divorce, Gottman (1995) points out that negative memories associated with the early stages of a relationship can be a reason to break up a union: “People who are feeling distressed more easily remember negative episodes from the past-so your current negativity triggers negative memories that reinforce your current feeling” (p. 128). This phrase focuses on the fact that negativity can have a chronic cumulative effect, and when it becomes the cause of divorce, it is simply the culmination of that effect. After I understood this thought, I began thinking about how to avoid the tragedy of marriage associated with negativity. It turns out to be quite simple: you need to share your experiences with your partner and accept your emotions. Some people may not fully recognize what they are feeling or may try to hide their emotions in an attempt not to offend their partner. However, in reality, this is an incorrect strategy that leads to an accumulation of angry feelings. Instead of systematically hiding emotions and trying to take responsibility for maintaining the marriage in this way, emotional intelligence needs to be developed. For the conscious and emotionally mature individual, recognizing emotions is not difficult; once they have been identified, it is necessary to tell the partner how the individual is feeling in the moment. For example, phrases like “I am hurting right now,” “I feel angry,” and “I am very hurt at you” may seem obvious and primitive, but they contain the power of effective communication and trust to share underlying feelings. Moreover, it creates the potential to address the problem instead of silencing it, which means that the partners’ behaviors are adjusted and account for these changes in the future. Thus, I can become more effective in relationships in the future because I already understand the importance of simple and feeling-based communication.
Pride and Persuasion
From the lesson described in the last section, it is appropriate to discuss the next one, which involves interacting with your partner during quarrels. It should be emphasized that quarrels are a natural part of any relationship; it is a crisis that must be overcome correctly to achieve better future results. However, it is crucial to be wise during quarrels and not succumb to the primal desire to reduce the dialogue to an emotional conflict with no benefit other than emotional chaos. When (1995) discusses another example of dialogue between the couple Max and Anita, he shows an example of the partners’ low level of awareness. Gottman writes, “In essence, volatile couples simply skip the validator’s first phase of discussing a delicate issue: they don’t try to understand and empathize with their partner” (p. 40). There are several exciting elements to this thought that I would like to discuss in more detail. First, Gottman uses the word “validator,” which, as became apparent a few pages earlier, refers to couples who are mutually respectful, somewhat neutral, and supportive of one another. Second, “skip the validator’s first phase” in this case refers to the inability to come to mutual understanding through appropriate and wise strategies when people “don’t try to understand and empathize with their partner. Third, Gottman refers to couples who resort to skipping the validator with the term “volatile,” meaning the possibility of the rapid change mainly for the worse. Interestingly, the term has to do with physics and means such a characteristic of solvents that evaporate quickly in the air: the psychologist has previously cited physics, and such a parallel seems interesting. The conclusion I have drawn for myself from what has been described is that during arguments and conflicts, whatever they may be, the individual must take responsibility for solving the problem intelligently, and the first step is to hear his partner. One must temporarily put down the emotions and listen to the complaints and grievances the partner is laying out, which will establish the core of the conflict and resolve it more point by point. This approach is challenging to use and requires much self-control, but it is achievable, and the benefits of this tactic, according to Gottman, significantly improve the relationship between partners.
Total Acceptance
Often, I have heard from others the preconception that in a romantic relationship, it is possible to change one’s partner to suit one’s interests. Usually, in such discussions, the partner acts as a manual machine whose settings can be set by a controller, and depending on the situation, such settings can be adaptive. However, a relationship has no room for the desire to change, modify, or adjust one’s partner’s behavior. Gottman (1995) correctly writes about this when he says that “but you get into trouble when you try to recreate one another to fit your own ideals” in the chapter on preserving marriage by acknowledging reciprocity (p. 223). Marriage is a union between two people: they have different cultural and family backgrounds, different upbringings, and perhaps dominant philosophies of life, but they came together because they both found such a union attractive. After a while, when the partners’ blindness to falling in love passes, they begin to notice problems and “defects” in each other and want to change them. This way is wrong because neither person wants to be coerced, and the pressure causes a natural resistance. This resistance to change tends to lead to the development of the conflict, which in turn can cause divorce. The consequence of meeting such resistance can also be a quiet withdrawal of the partner who initiated the change into himself: they begin to devote more time to work, children, and self, but not to the problems in the marriage. A silent problem with regular condemnations brings a sense of negativity, aggression, and a desire to escape from the marriage. Solving this problem is relatively straightforward: Gottman suggests focusing on the positive elements for which people have come to love each other, spending more time together, and focusing on well-being without wanting to change your partner. It takes work on one’s understanding of the nature of the relationship, but it is ultimately rewarding. I find this lesson extremely helpful in building effective relationships, and every time I want to change someone to suit my interests and needs, I will nip such thoughts in the bud and try to figure out the problem.
Recommendation
Myra, I know that you are getting married to someone you have been in a relationship with for about a year in a few months. As a supportive and compassionate friend, I recommend an excellent book for you to read that has dramatically improved my understanding of relationships, family, and divorce. It is the book Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last by Gottman, J. (1995). I can see how happy you are in your relationship and do not want you to experience problems in the future, so I recommend you read this; perhaps you might find the reading intriguing and appealing for you to spend a few days on it. Your upcoming wedding is a huge step, and it is sure to change your life for the better, so it is imperative that you take care ahead of time to ensure that any conflict or quarrel that arises in the family household is managed effectively and wisely, and beneficial to the relationship. I want to assure you that this book is not just another piece of popular science fiction; on the contrary, Gottman is one of the prominent psychotherapists of today, and the book is based on decades of research and data, so you can rest assured that it is an authoritative read. In short, this book will be an invaluable resource for wisdom and emotional maturity, and I do not regret spending the time to read it, so I share it with you with great respect and inspiration.
Reference
Cole, D. L. (2019). Gottman, John. In J. L. Lebow, A. L. Chambers, & D. C. Breunlin (Eds.), Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy (pp 1329–1330). Springer Cham.
Gottman, J. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster.
Ortiz-Ospina, E., & Roser, M. (2020). Marriages and divorces. Our World in Data. Web.