Of all the enemies of people, the worst is a human itself. This is the way people think when they refuse to communicate with others, though they do not air it and maybe even don’t think of it directly in this precise form. But it is still there. And the less we try to consider and defy this feeling, the more strength the psychological communication difficulties gain, those in our minds. Some of us, however, are rather comfortable being locked up inside themselves. But when the life itself pushes you towards the situation that does not fit your psychological area of comfort, it is a right moment to reconsider your attitude, despite all the fears you may have.
Long before my first college day I had heard a story that shifted greatly my opinion of how the things in colleges are. It was about a guy who was, like me, adapting to college rules and regulations. It was about two weeks after the first of September when he had an unpleasant talk with his dean about antisemitism. He was accused of racism towards other students and not long after that he was expelled. In fact, he only had a badge on his bag that looked like a swastika, which people interpreted due to their private visions. No actual offense was caused to anyone directly. The guy was trying to defend himself from the false accusations, but futile. His only fault was a little self-expression that he allowed to himself, being good at ancient peoples’ symbolic traditions. The statement, which I derived from the store, was: watch out for everything and everyone; one step aside, and it is the end. In the matter of fact, I had been very gullible.
When it was my time to enter the college, I was utterly nervous. I was not very outgoing as a person, having my own reasons for that, and the story I had heard made me even more shut. On that day, my firm determination was not to give any sign of weakness. I was strained and reserved: everyone seemed to be a potential threat, which will carry my every word to higher echelons. So I hardly said a word to anybody, group mates included, although they seemed to be cheerful towards me. The first day was the day of acquaintances with professors, so students didn’t have to say much. In classrooms, I was taking places as close to the exit as possible. Unwittingly I was trying not to be noticed. I don’t know what I feared the most: expulsion or just a confrontation. In any case, I didn’t feel comfortable with anyone. I did not know yet whether I am going to be like that during all my college years.
It was not until the end of classes when the situation changed. When I was leaving the college, in the front yard I saw her. She caught my attention right away – the girl with multiple piercings and unnatural hair color. First I thought that she was just a passer-by, who occasionally stopped to read a book in a calm atmosphere. Curiosity gave me courage. I came up to her and started a talk. Being startled, I spoke right to the point without any pretext. In hindsight, I might have been a little rude with that. She appeared to be on her third year, and she had always been like that. And she did not look like anything I had thought of an average student. This fact embarrassed me, though she supposed to be the one to be embarrassed with what I asked her. During that conversation, I learned much about the college that I entered, about the attitude of staff and what professors pay attention to. It was that moment when the story that I had heard started to vanish from my head. The most peculiar fact that I remembered was the smile on her face while she was talking to me.
The conversation gave me a great deal to consider. Looking at that day with a new sight, I was able to see that all the reasons for caution were only in my head. Being taken up by overestimated dangers, I forgot to be rational. It was the lesson I learned that day. I can’t say that I changed entirely the next day. It takes time to rebuild one’s attitude, and I am no exception. Still, I’m proud of being able to overstep my fears.