Introduction
At some point in life, an individual may advise a loved one or friend to forgive and forget. However, it is often daunting when it is their turn to let go of the negative feelings. Unforgiveness occurs when married couples and family members are unable or unwilling to pardon someone for upsetting or betraying them. Generally, it involves not letting go of resentment and thoughts of revenge against wrongdoers. Thus, this behavior compromises feelings of compassion, empathy, and understanding for those who have caused harm. Unforgiveness leads to recurrent thoughts about the nature of an offense, making it overwhelming to forgive and forget.
Alternatively, if the transgressors are not forgiven, they may experience guilt or shame, making them unable to forgive themselves. Therefore, if the underlying negative feeling is not addressed, it can continue for generations. The Bible cautions that if a single person suffers, all the remaining members may experience pain (King James Bible [KJB], 1769/2022, 1 Cor. 12:26). Unforgiveness is caused by broken trust, abuse, lies and humiliation and may adversely affect an individual’s physical, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being if not effectively addressed.
Reasons Why Married Couples and Family Members Choose Not to Forgive
Broken Trust
Despite unforgiveness eliciting negative emotions and creating more conflicts among couples and family members, they may still decide to engage in negative interpersonal behaviors and fail to compromise or resolve issues. Research shows that recurrent feelings about a painful event may be a basis for not forgiving (Karataş & Arıcıoğlu, 2021). For example, infidelity is regarded as a serious threat to the stability of marriage and a violation of Christian principles. The seventh commandment dictates, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (KJB, 1769/2022, Ex. 20:14).
Similarly, culturally, unfaithfulness to a spouse is perceived as an unforgivable act, given the commitment, loyalty, and high expectations that individuals hold for their companions. People in marital relationships often have a relational commitment to their spouses. Therefore, they do not expect either of them to engage in behaviors of intolerable disloyalty, such as adultery (Beltrán-Morillas et al., 2019). Once the trust is broken and the cheating is exposed, it may take a significant effort, time, and emotional resilience to rebuild and preserve the family or intimate relationship.
Several strategies have been developed to help solve issues within families. Balswick and Balswick (2014) highlight five stages that can help individuals to deal with problems, such as broken trust. The first step requires a family to be aware and define a situation as problematic. Immediate concerns, such as infidelity, are more likely to be accorded more attention because betrayal threatens family survival. Secondly, the concerned parties must decide to try to handle the issue. The greater the confidence the spouses exude, the more likely they will be motivated to engage in practical problem-solving than in defensive avoidance.
However, if this fails, it may lead to more trauma and therefore require assistance from external sources, such as a counselor, to restore stability in the relationship. The third step involves finding the most effective solution to the problem. This may include ending extradyadic behaviors and spending more time together. Fourthly, the family needs to exercise patience and wait for the solution to work. At the final stage, the couples may determine whether the issue has been solved or try another option if the relationship still has a future.
Physical and Emotional Abuse
In most cultures, forgiveness has no place in a mentally or physically abusive situation. In a study, participants highlighted various systematic offensive acts as unforgivable. These include battering, brutal murder, and sexual abuse (Singh et al., 2022). In addition, humiliation and lies may make individuals withhold their forgiveness because they increase feelings of insecurity, pain, and threat to relationships. All these behaviors are attributed to power dynamics in social relationships. The power struggle between families has been prevalent since ancient times. For example, the Bible talks of a man dominating his wife (KJB, 1769/2022, Gen. 3:16).
Such imbalances make individuals with authority prey on those with less influence in the relationship. Like intimate partner violence, neglect or beating from an alcoholic father can be regarded as child abuse. This can be a source of tension, and separation from family can be observed as a relief. Therefore, physical and emotional abuse is often unacceptable, and the offended may respond with avoidance or vengeance to reduce the likelihood of future victimization.
Spouses dealing with constant forms of abuse are often depleted of energy and time to resolve and negotiate their issues and make amends to their marital or family relationships. In these situations, avoidance behavior helps the aggrieved to stay away from those perceived to be a threat or danger to their well-being. This coping strategy can take different forms, such as reinterpretation, rumination, venting emotions, and accepting the problem (Beltrán-Morillas et al., 2019).
Although this escape coping strategy is sometimes helpful, it may be maladaptive and exacerbate the symptoms of anxiety and stress (Read et al., 2018). This is because this method can create more conflict and minimize social support. Conversely, when people seek revenge and inflict harm against transgressors, this may fuel violence and abuse in the relationship. In this case, forgiveness is required because it incorporates emotional and cognitive decisions to restore marital stability and family interaction (He et al., 2018). Therefore, forgiveness leads to feelings of empathy, compassion, and understanding for wrongdoers.
Unforgiveness Improves Adaptability
People usually equate forgiving easily with vulnerability and accepting offenders’ misdemeanors. In this case, society is guided by the belief that letting go makes them look inadequate and weak, consequently putting them in a position where they could be hurt again. Individuals can choose unforgiveness as a means to get rid of negative feelings, even if this is not a practical way to deal with unhealthy emotions (Karataş & Arıcıoğlu, 2021).
Thus, unforgiveness improves adaptability by helping spouses or children deal with negative emotions and achieve greater satisfaction. For these reasons, people in romantic and family relationships are unwilling to take risks and forgive because it temporarily exposes them. However, in contrast, holding on to these feelings may give the perpetrators power over them. People harboring bitterness or grudges may feel shaken or threatened whenever they see or interact with their aggressors. A closer look at Matthew 18: 21-35 (KJB, 1769/2022), when Peter asked Jesus about forgiveness, would suggest that letting go also benefits those offended. Therefore, forgiveness frees people from the unbearable weight of resentfulness and anger that can threaten and impact their minds and bodies.
Sometimes it is difficult to forgive, knowing that it guarantees the return of a wrongdoer in a victim’s life, putting everyone, including children, at risk. The transgressor’s presence can be a constant painful reminder that the person who promised to be devoted and affectionate broke the vow. Therefore, feeling comfortable around an unfaithful spouse or abusive parent can be challenging. Such negative emotions have far-reaching consequences on the life of the family (Balswick & Balswick, 2014).
Suppose transgressors are not forgiven, especially by the partners in marriage; this may leave them in a state of guilt, shame, and unable to forgive themselves, leading to distress. When the disciples asked Jesus why the man he was about to heal was born blind, he responded that his condition had nothing to do with his iniquities or his parents’ (KJB, 1769/2022, John 9:3). In a contemporary setting, people also ask a similar question about their suffering. Therefore, like the blind man, families need God’s intervention to offset their vulnerability and heal their deepest pain. Although it might be difficult to forgive, it is possible with God’s mercy and strength.
Consequences of Unforgiveness in Marriage and Families
If not dealt with effectively, unforgiveness may have accumulative and destructive impacts. For instance, the unwillingness to forgive may adversely affect an individual’s psychological and physical well-being because it elevates anger and bitterness towards the perceived transgressor, resulting in anxiety, fear, and depression (Lichtenfeld et al., 2019). In this case, unforgiveness has been linked to rumination, which significantly contributes to depression. When individuals feel wronged by their spouses, they are more likely to dwell on the issue creating a negative thinking pattern. This triggers aggression towards the perceived offender, which may lead to psychological pain if prolonged. In addition, the constant engagement in negative thoughts of vengeance and hate may lead to low immune response, elevated blood pressure, and other cardiovascular complications (Webster et al., 2021).
Chronic anger places an individual in a flight-or-fight mode, leading to changes in blood pressure, heart rate, and immune reaction, exacerbating illnesses, including diabetes, ulcers, and hypertension. Therefore, individuals unwilling to forgive their partners or family members are exposed to various mental and physical disorders.
The refusal to pardon other people may negatively impact an individual’s social relationships. Forgiveness greatly contributes to healthy relations because it enhances an individual’s peace of mind and freedom. Research shows that couples who exercise forgiveness are more likely to have long and more satisfying intimate relationships (He et al., 2018). Conversely, unforgiveness hinders conflict resolution between marriage partners or family members, resulting in strained relations. For instance, a wife’s resolve to divorce her husband due to infidelity may lead to a negative relationship with him and their children, who may resent her for the family’s dysfunction.
Similarly, bitterness and resentment may cause an individual’s close friends to alienate them because of their negative attitude (Poggi & D’Errico, 2018). Equally important, unforgiveness may trigger feelings of distrust for other people, making it challenging for a person to build connections with family members, colleagues, or close friends. Furthermore, the irritability linked to unforgiveness may make an individual develop a tendency to treat others inappropriately, leading to the loss of close friends. Thus, unforgiveness may strain an individual’s social relationships leading to isolation.
The unwillingness to forgive can create a barrier between an individual and God. Unforgiveness does not only alienate an individual from their spouse or family members but also their creator. Based on the Christian worldview, God forgives those who seek His forgiveness regardless of their sins. However, in return, Christians are expected to pardon those who wrong them in the same way that God absolves them of their iniquities. The scripture emphasizes that God will only forgive the wrongdoings of individuals who pardon other people’s mistakes but fail to absolve the unforgiving people of their sins (KJB, 1769/2022, Matt. 6:14-15).
In addition, Christians are urged to be compassionate and to forgive each other in the same way God pardoned them (KJB, 1769/2022, Eph. 4:32). This portrays unforgiveness as a defiance against God, which may strain an individual’s relationship with Him. Consequently, a person’s connection with God and the Holy Spirit may be severed, hindering their spiritual growth. Hence, withholding forgiveness from a spouse or family members may deprive an individual of a good relationship with God and the freedom and peace that comes with it.
The lack of forgiveness in marriages may lead to separation or divorce. Research indicates that forgiveness is the central pillar of any successful marriage (He et al., 2018). However, the absence of the requisites of a strong marriage, such as commitment, adaptability, and forgiveness, creates alienation between spouses resulting in marital failure. According to the family deficit perspective, separation from the nuclear family has deleterious impacts on children (Balswick & Balswick, 2014).
In this case, divorce can affect the relationship between children and their parents. Children may blame or resent their parents for the dysfunctional family. In addition, decreased contact with one parent may further damage the child-parent bond. Similarly, divorce can trigger emotional problems among children, leading to behavioral problems, low educational achievements, and social isolation. Equally, the socioeconomic disadvantage and broken family relationships linked to the divorce may contribute to mental health disorders among children (Balswick & Balswick, 2014). Not to mention, divorce can make children develop anxiety about commitments, thus affecting their future relationships and increasing their risk of separation from their partners. Hence, unforgiveness in marriage may result in separation, adversely affecting children’s growth and development.
Unforgiveness in marriage and families may lower an individual’s life satisfaction. Evidence suggests that forgiveness contributes to happiness, close social relationships, spiritual and psychological well-being, and hope (Kaleta & Mróz, 2018). Alternatively, holding grudges and dwelling on resentment, hatred, and vengeance may result in depression or other mental disorders affecting an individual’s psychological health, hence decreasing their life satisfaction (Lichtenfeld et al., 2019).
Additionally, unforgiving people may bring their past anger and resentment into every new experience or relationship, leading to negative outcomes. Similarly, the lack of forgiveness may make an individual dwell so much on the transgression to the extent that they cannot enjoy the present opportunities. Furthermore, the unwillingness to forgive may make individuals feel that they lack a purpose because harboring such bitterness and resentment affects their spiritual beliefs. Another study shows that divorce does not always guarantee better outcomes for spouses (Balswick & Balswick, 2014). Some individuals may fail to pardon their partners and initiate a divorce process, hoping to be happier and in more control of their lives but end up miserably.
Conclusion
In conclusion, individuals in marriages and families often experience conflicts in forgiving their loved ones. Unforgiveness may stem from broken trust, physical and sexual abuse, lies or humiliation. In most cases, the wronged parties may decline to forgive the perpetrators in an attempt to reduce the future recurrence of the offense. Additionally, some individuals believe that forgiveness makes them weak and puts them in a position where they could be hurt again. Nevertheless, the build-up of anger, resentment and bitterness may adversely affect an individual’s health by exposing them to depression, low immunity and high blood pressure. Similarly, unforgiveness affects an individual’s spiritual beliefs and social relationships resulting in lower life satisfaction. Thus, although forgiveness may be difficult, it may free people from the unbearable burden of resentfulness and anger that can threaten and impact their general well-being.
References
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