Introduction
Remarriage is when individuals get married for a second or subsequent time. Stepfamilies are a familial form of relationships, which incorporates family members who are not related.
Categories of Remarried Couples
- Hostile.
- Hostile detached.
- Conflict-avoiding.
- Validating.
- Volatile.
The hostile-detached couples are unhappy and often end up divorcing (Viscuso, 2018). The validating couples mostly interact in a relaxed, calm way though they become emotional at times. Volatile couples are mostly emotional over any familial issue (Viscuso, 2018). The conflict avoiders barely raise issues and concentrate on discussing agreements when they have a major disagreement. The hostile detached couples always fight with no winner.
The hostile couples are mostly unhappy, while the validating, volatile, and Conflict-Avoiding couples are happy, but none of these are likely to divorce.
Demographics of Remarriage
From 1950 to 2017, the rate of remarriage has decreased in both men and women. The rate of remarriage was 90.9 in 1950, but in 2017, it was 38.8 per 1000 married men (Schweizer, 2019). Men remarriage rate was high in 1970, with a composition of 116.5 per 1000 men (Schweizer, 2019). The remarriage rate for women from 1950 was 42.2, while in 2017, it was 21.2 per 1000 married women. The rate of remarriage in both 1950 and 2017 is twice that of women (Schweizer, 2019). The decrease in the rate of remarriage is directly proportional to the rising age of marriage. The women’s age of remarriage has increased from 34 years in 1950 to 43 years in 2017 (Schweizer, 2019). The men remarriage median age has risen from 40 years in 1950 to 46 years in 2017.
Challenges of Remarriage
Parenting Tasks
This difficulty will likely drive the partners towards a hotly oppositional and contested position. The stepparent needs to impose some changes in how the family system operated before the remarriage. (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020).The natural parent wants to reassure the children that they will not experience more difficult transitions as things will remain as they were and please their new partner at the same time.
Uniting Two Disparate Family Cultures
A large number of differences each party presents to the newly created stepfamily presents a very vast challenge. The agreements on everything, from whether to throw your coat on the sofa or hang it on a hook to whether it is okay to begin eating before everyone sits down at the dining table, are ignored by the children and their biological parents.
Extension of Family Boundaries
The first-marriage nuclear family members comprise the biological parents and their respective adopted or blood-related dependent children. The new household will be incomplete as it stands in the remarriage case since the other biological parent lives outside it and must be included within the overall system (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). As a result, the extension of boundary will lead to exclusivity which is a significant challenge.
Myths of Remarriage
The issue of who is to be first?
The version of this second remarriage myth can take several forms. The forms may include “always put your marriage first,” “always put yourself first,” “always consider yourself and your children first,” “always put the other person first,” and “always consider everybody first.” These myths may force one to act differently leading to miscommunication between partners thereby leading to quarrels (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). Individuals that had limited financial resources as single parents may feel deprived.
Concentrate on the Positive and Keep Criticism to Oneself
This myth is due to the desperate feeling that the first marriage’s success is necessary. Some remarried couples believe that they might still be married if they abided by this myth (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). Since prodding and poking might uncover a fatal law, the marriage remains static and frozen.
Focus on What Went Wrong in the Past to Avoid Repetition
This myth advocates denial and pseudo mutuality instead of honest communication. Instead of building a healthy, unique, and new relationship, it reconstructs the old one to get it to work. A corollary myth encourages focus on the future and condemns the past (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). These myths restrict the open communication needed to sustain a healthy relationship.
Whatever is Mine Belongs to Me and Whatever is yours is yours
This myth moves progressively through the family stage, starting with marriage “whatever I have belongs to you,” followed by divorce, “whatever you pose is mine,” followed by single parenthood, “ whatever is mine belongs to me,” followed by remarriage “whatever is yours belongs to you and whatever is own is mine.” The lack of “ours” is the problem with this particular myth.
Qualities of Remarriage
The remarriage quality is measured using the following marital happiness, marital interaction, marital tensions, and the amount of disagreement. Even though some studies find no differences between remarried and first married couples, other studies show lower quality relationships in remarried couples compared to the first-marrieds (Jelvani et al., 2018). Marital relationships are poorer when both spouses are stepparents compared to families containing only one spouse’s children. Emotional attachment to a previous spouse is also associated with lower marital satisfaction (Jelvani et al., 2018). Compared to the first-marrieds, the remarried couples do not shy away from discussing their marital problems.
Unresolved Issues From First Marriage
Lack of Closeness
The unsolved issues form a barrier within a relationship. The unsolved issues might keep individuals from acting like themselves or impact their every action and word. As a result, it makes it hard for one to connect with their partner or get close to them (Jelvani et al., 2018). Due to this, the relationship ends up being not intimate or close.
Boiling Over
Unsolved issues boil over mostly. If individuals opt to ignore the issues bothering them and push them aside, one person might leave the relationship instead of talking them over. This will have a very negative effect since a person with the unsolved issues will be caught unaware and the one person leaving (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). Individual risks have far more pronounced issues if they are not resolved in time, causing more damage than expected.
External Blame
People often blame others for the way they feel due to these unsolved issues. For instance, if one feels unhappy because her girlfriend cheated on her in school, she could blame this unhappiness on other various things (Jelvani et al., 2018). The man will continue to think that his happiness comes from the simple current problems instead of her past major issue if the issues remain unsolved.
Adjustment of children
Children are the most affected after a divorce or a remarriage. Their parents tend to assume that their children will be fine if they are okay. But this is not the case as divorce or remarriage can cause behavior and emotional suffering, including demandingness, resentment, anxiety, depression, anger anxiety, depression, and non-compliance (Thorsen & Sawyer, 2020). The most consistent impacts of marital transitions on children’s adjustments are in the academic, social attainment, externalizing behavior, and social responsibility domains
Statistics of Stepfamilies
The Stepfamily Foundation Team (n.d.) provides worrying statistics referencing the US Bureau of Census.
- First, around 1300 new families with non-biological members are formed each day.
- Second, around 30 million children under the age of 13 live with a stepparent, which is half the overall number.
The reason why it all happens is that “One out of two marriages ends in divorce” (The Stepfamily Foundation Team, n.d., para. 4).
In short, there is fifty percent chance that a child younger than thirteen years in America lives in a stepfamily.
Psychology of Traditional families
Although on the surface, stepfamilies look exactly like the original biological families in that there are still adult individual caring for children, there are substantial internal differences. The reasons for this lies in the psychology of group dynamic. As with any social group, families have insiders and outsiders. As American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (n.d.) argues, these roles are not evident in original families, as sometimes children’s affection shifts from mother to father and vice versa.
Psychology of Stepfamilies
However, in stepfamilies the distinction of outsiders and insiders is extremely obvious. From physical resemblance to subconscious delineation, there is a multitude of factors that provoke negativity. For instance, the lack of shared history, substitution of a biological parent with a new adult, and even the sudden change in family structure may all contribute to strengthening a rift between family members. Jensen et al. (2017) report that “children are not typically consulted or allowed to give input on family transition decisions” (p. 1). It also may fuel the insider-outsider animosity. Children usually lack the life experience to appreciate drastic changes. Second, the younger a child is, the more likely they are to perceive everything egotistically. This does not happen because of the egocentric mindset, but rather because they are not yet able to distinguish their own pleasure from proper actions. Finally, children do not have sufficient stress resilience to overcome the pressure of being an outsider or living with an outsider. Naturally, adults are not the only ones who feel as outsiders. When non-biological children are introduced, the pressure on them is just as strong. It is even more accentuated when children’s perspective is taken into account. Adults like new experiences, especially when they involve romantic feelings. It serves as an escape from routine, boredom and may be seen as a way to reinvigorate life. At the same time, children are not as enthusiastic.
Signs of Stepchildren’s Depression
U.S. Department of Health & Human Services encourages parents to develop emotional awareness (MentalHealth.gov, 2019). Specifically, parents can learn to recognize signs of stepchildren’s depression. Behavior indicating stress includes constant sadness, frequent conflict, suicidal ideation, overreliance on endorphin-inducing products, drug and alcohol consumption, and sudden mood swings. When such signs become apparent and consistent, it is time to have a straightforward conversation or seek professional help.
Conflicts in Stepfamilies
As a result, stepfamilies provide an extremely fertile ground for conflicts. When faced with stress, the mind shuts down its emotional inhibition, and it becomes more difficult for people to control their impulses. Any disagreement between family members is exacerbated by outsider-insider dynamic. It is inevitable that outsiders and insiders adopt cautionary if not negative attitude towards each other. Even if they do not express such negativity openly, it still exists and may precipitate a conflict.
Alleviate the tension
Therefore, it is vitally important to address the issue. There are several ways of alleviating tension in stepfamilies. The first is to use time. Naturally, it is counterproductive to expect that new family members will fit and accept each other immediately. However, small changes can incur big transformations, as long as they are steadily accumulated. If small nuances in communication can lead to the outbreak of conflicts, then small acts of mutual affection can develop trust. Research also corroborates this by accentuating that the more years stepchildren and stepparents live together, the better their relationship is (Van Houdt, 2022). As such, caretakers should not force family integration, but rather allow time take its course. The second way of alleviating pressure is asking for consideration. Stress is inevitable, yet what is more important is that all sides experience it. The reason why people choose to risk familial integrity is that they hope that the addition of new family members will help resolve current problems. Empathy is a powerful emotional tool that can be used to better connect with people (Jensen et al., 2017). It can also be used in stepfamilies where mutual understanding is essential.
Professional Help
Sometimes, stepfamilies cannot resolve the problem of alienation of outsiders. Studies suggest that professional help of social workers may be beneficial in such cases (Jensen et al., 2017). First, helping professionals understand family dynamics. They know what factors to look for when faced with a conflicted stepfamily. Second, therapists know how to communicate with children and adults alike. Sometimes, parents lack the proper communication skills for explaining the full complexity of the situation to children.
Conclusion
Remarriage has its impediments when two families unite. The types of couples in remarriage are similar to the married couples (volatile, validating, hostile, conflict-avoiding, and hostile detached). The demography of remarriage shows that individuals above 55 years of age have the highest composition in remarriages. Despite increased remarriages, some challenges include parenting tasks, uniting families, and family boundary extension. The remarriage qualities are marital happiness, interaction, tension, and disagreement. The unresolved issues from the first marriage include lack of closeness, boiling over, external blame, and children’s adjustment.
Ultimately, stepfamilies will continue to be a common family structure. Considering the number of younger people who hail from blended families, it should be evident that many of them are likely to experience problems in their own families. It is important to educate the population on how to communicate in such families.
Time and empathy are powerful tools in relieving tension, and they should be used whenever possible. However, sometimes, stepparents and stepchildren require professional help to improve relations. Therefore, it is also important to let them know in which cases to turn to therapy. Understanding what constitutes the causes of conflict is essential in ascertaining the most appropriate moment to take action.
References
Jelvani, R., Etemadi, O., Jazayeri, R., & Fatehizade, M. (2018). Difficulties in Emotion Regulation among Iranian Remarried Women: The role of mindfulness, thought–action fusion, and emotion regulation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 60(2), 89-103.
Schweizer, V. (2019). The Retreat from Remarriage, 1950-2017.
Thorsen, M., & Sawyer, E. (2020). Divorce and remarriage. The Encyclopedia Of Child And Adolescent Development, 1-10.
Viscuso, P. (2018). Oikonomia: Divorce and remarriage in the Eastern Orthodox tradition by Kevin Schembri. Journal Of Orthodox Christian Studies, 1(1), 116-118.
Zahl-Olsen, R., Thuen, F., & Espehaug, B. (2019). Divorce and remarriage in Norway: A prospective cohort study between 1981 and 2013. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 60(8), 600-611.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (n.d.). Stepfamilies.
Jensen, T. M., Shafer, K., & Holmes, E. K. (2017). Transitioning to stepfamily life: The influence of closeness with biological parents and stepparents on children’s stress. Child & Family Social Work, 22(1), 275-286.
The Stepfamily Foundation. (n.d.). Stepfamily Statistics.
Van Houdt, K. (2022). Like my own children: A quantitative study of stepparents claiming adult stepchildren. Journal of Family Issues, 43(2), 467-487.
MentalHealth.gov. (2019). For Parents and Caregivers.